Raging Moderate

Raging Moderate

Will Durst

The Grand Old Party Line

As he did in Denver, Will Durst was blogging during the Republican National Convention, and here are his final reports to wrap it up for readers:

Pitbull with lipstick

Well, now we know why she was nicknamed Sarah Barracuda.

Last night Governor Palin proved that a former small-town mayor from Alaska could hold her own with the former Mayor of New York, Rudolph Giuliani, in the big-time, partisan red-meat sweepstakes, as they headlined a Murderer's Row of GOP speakers who methodically eviscerated the twin scourges of conservatism today: Democratic candidate Barack Obama and the liberal media elite.

In these politically swift-moving waters it should come as no surprise that Palin-Palooza replaced Obama-Rama in the hearts and minds of America. Well, at least on their TV screens. We'll find out about the latter later.

In her almost-but-not-quite acceptance speech, presumptive vice-presidential nominee Palin established herself as a formidable power hitter, gunning for noted hardballer Joe Biden in their upcoming debate.

But in her coming out party, she was as pert as a Meyer Lemon and as easy on the eyes as Key Lime Pie. Like Tina Fey crossed with a shark. Pat Buchanan in heels. Christie Todd Whitman in a skirt. Apparently, being a hockey mom means chewing holes in your opponent's stick. Or as she said; a pitbull with lipstick. Must be all those pucks to the head.

She rallied the crowd into a frothing snarl by disemboweling the irresponsible media for having the audacity to question her experience. Apparently that's sexist and you can't ask her new boss how many houses he owns because he was a POW. Wow. The first off-limits ticket. Nice work if you can get it.

I'll tell you one thing -- I'd hate to be John McCain tonight. Think Loudon Wainwright. Having to follow the Rolling Stones.

Party Pooper

Well, that clears things up like a fifty-pound bag of topsoil dumped from a garage roof into a kid's blow-up wading pool on a cantilevered patio.

John McCain, in his hour-long acceptance speech, attempted to convince the country that he isn't just running against the Democrats but against the Republicans as well. It was the weirdest acceptance speech by a candidate for President since Michael Dukakis spoke for 45 minutes and failed to move his neck.

Which was odd, but not as odd as the way the senior senator from Arizona failed to even once mention the current President, George W. Bush, by name. Neither did he mention George H.W. Bush, Jeb Bush, Laura Bush, Babs, the twins or the night-blooming prickly bush thistle. As a matter of fact, there wasn't a single mention of shrubbery, trees, vegetation, or plant-like flora of any kind and precious little about fauna such as Dick Cheney, Jack Abramoff or any other carnivorous invertebrate.

McCain even warned Washington that change is coming. But this is not your Obama change. This is not new change. This is old change. And he and the Barracuda are just the folks who can change Washington with some of that old change, even though the party they represent has held the White House seven out of the last 10 terms, and Congress 12 out of the last 14 years.

McCain didn't just stand up to his own party; he stood his own party up against the wall and slapped the crap out of them. And they applauded. The biggest surprise is how these clapping Republican Mavericks look exactly like the Republicans who voted in Bush the last two times. Canny of them to adopt such clever disguises.

On an entirely unrelated note: Turns out John McCain was a POW. Who knew?

Copyright ©2008 Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate. Call Cari Dawson-Bartley at 800-696-7561 or e-mail cari@cagle.com  

Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. E-mail Will at durst@caglecartoons.com  Check out willandwillie.com for the latest podcast. Will Durst's book, "The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing," is available now from Amazon and better bookstores all over this great land of ours.