The Trial of Santa Claus

The Trial of Santa Claus

By 2007, Santa Claus, a beloved figure in America for more than a hundred years, had fallen out of sync with the times. And so it was that America decided to prosecute him.

"Your honor, the prosecution calls Mr. Santa Claus to the witness stand."

"Proceed," says the judge.

Claus is sworn in and seated. The prosecutor begins to pace before the jury.

"Though it is hardly criminal to parade around as a jolly old fat man whose spirit is the personification of charity and goodwill," says the prosecutor, "is it not against the law for our tolerant government to in any way sanction any religion? Are you not a religious man, Mr. Claus?"

"Ho, ho, ho," says Claus, smiling. "My origin dates back many years to Holland to a fellow known as 'Sinterklaas.' But one of my primary inspirations was Saint Nicholas, a 4th century Christian bishop who was generous to the poor."

"Aha!" says the prosecutor. "A Christian bishop!"

"But today," continues Claus, "I've evolved to represent all things good and charitable. Even the Supreme Court, in weighing the constitutionality of using Santa figures on public property, determined me to be a marker of seasonal celebration. I am not a religious symbol."